Top Funny Jokes Part 8

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the light bulb's goanna want to change.

 A horse walks into a bar, the bartender turns & asks the horse what’s with the long face.

what do you get if you cross a snowman with a vampire?

FROSTBITE!!!

What’s ET short for?

Because he's got little legs!

Where did Napoleon keep his armies?

In his sleeves

An Englishman, an Australian and an American walk into a bar. The barman asks them is this a joke?

How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler

A bear walks into a bar and says "Can I have a pint of lager and… a packet of crisps please?

the barman says Why the big pause

A square and a circle walk into a bar. The square says to the circle, Your round!

A man put on a clean pair of socks every day of the week. By Friday he could hardly get his shoes on.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a

negative."A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right.

Did you read about the midget clairvoyant who escaped from jail?

The headline said "small medium at large.

How many ears did Davy Crockett have? Three.

A left ear, A right ear, A wild front ear.

 A man walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he notices Van Gogh playing the fruit machine. He calls over, "Hey, Van Gogh! Want a drink?" and Van Gogh replies, "No thanks. I've got one 'ere.

Sally, can you  spell ?water? for me?? The teacher asked. H I J K L M N 0 answered Sally promptly Her teacher look puzzled. ?That doesn’t spell ?water.?? ?Sure it does,? Said Sally. ?Its all the letters from H to O.?

Kid "Mummy! Mummy! There is a man with a bill at the door" Mother "Don’t be silly dear, it must be a duck with a hat on!

A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar "Pint of best" he says  to the bar man. Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables He goes up to him and says

"Are you Vincent Van Gogh?"

 "Yes" the old man replies.

 "do you want a pint Vincent?"

 "No, ta. I've got one `ere.

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up. "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson said, "I see millions and  millions of stars." Homes: "and from that you deduce?"Watson:"Well, if there are millions of stars, and in even a few of those have planets, its quite likely there are some planets like earth like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life." Holmes: "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent.

A shipwreck survivor washes up on the beach of an island and is immediately surrounded by a group of native warriors. "I'm done for", the man cries in despair. "No you are not," comes a booming voice from the heavens. "Listen carefully, and do exactly as I say. Grab the pear from the one who is beside you and shove it through the heart of the chief.

“ The man does so, and the remainder of the band stare in disbelief. "Now, what?" the man asks the heavens. "Now, you are done for.