A man
walking down the streets sees another
man with a very big dog. One man says to the other, "Does your dog
bite", the man replies "No my dog doesn't" The man pats the dog
and has his hand bitten off, "I thought you said your dog didn't
bite" said the injured man. "That’s not my dog", replied the
other.
“What's the
difference between a shoping trolley and a University vice chancellor?”
You fill
them both up with as much food and alcohol you can, but it's only the shopping
trolley that has a mind of its own.
“How do you catch
a polar bear?”
You cut a hole
in the ice and you put peas all round the edge and when the polar bear comes along
and stops for a pea, you kick it in the ice hole.
“The doctor
says to the patient, "You're in excellent health--‐ you'll live to be
90."
The patient
replies, "But Doctor, I am 90!" The doctore responds, "Well,
that's it, then."
“How many
psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one --‐--‐ but the
light bulb really has to want to change”
“What do you
get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?”
Hot cross
bunnies
“Did you
hear about the termite who walked into an all--‐wooden bar and asked, "Is
the bartender here?"
“A skeleton
walks into a pub and says, "Pint of bitter and a mop”
“Why did
Ludwig v. Beethoven kill143 why don't polar bears eat penguins?”
Because they
can't get the wrappers off... his two ducks? --‐ They wouldn't stop saying
"Bach Bach" all the time
“What is
green and if it were to fall from a tree would kill you?”
A Snooker
table
“Doctor, I
can’t pronounce my F?s, T?s and H?s.? ?Well you can’t say fairer than that
then?
“A doctor
says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'. 'Oh dear, what's the bad
news?' asks the patient. The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?' The
doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.”
“What do
baby apes sleep in?”
Apricots!
“Two hunters
were walking through the woods.
Suddenly, a naked lady stepped out of the
brush and said, "I'm game!", so they shot her.”
“How Do You Get
Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.”
“ Why was tiger
looking in the toilet? To find pooh”
“Why did the
chicken cross the road? To get to the rooster on the other side.”
“What fizzy drink
does a frog drink? Coca cola”
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