Wednesday, 8 April 2015


A man walking down  the streets sees another man with a very big dog. One man says to the other, "Does your dog bite", the man replies "No my dog doesn't" The man pats the dog and has his hand bitten off, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite" said the injured man. "That’s not my dog", replied the other.

“What's the difference between a shoping trolley and a University vice chancellor?”
You fill them both up with as much food and alcohol you can, but it's only the shopping trolley that has a mind of its own.

“How do you catch a polar bear?”
You cut a hole in the ice and you put peas all round the edge and when the polar bear comes along and stops for a pea, you kick it in the ice hole.

“The doctor says to the patient, "You're in excellent health--‐ you'll live to be 90."
The patient replies, "But Doctor, I am 90!" The doctore responds, "Well, that's it, then."

“How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one --‐--‐ but the light bulb really has to want to change”

“What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?”
Hot cross bunnies

“Did you hear about the termite who walked into an all--‐wooden bar and asked, "Is the bartender here?"

“A skeleton walks into a pub and says, "Pint of bitter and a mop”

“Why did Ludwig v. Beethoven kill143 why don't polar bears eat penguins?”
Because they can't get the wrappers off... his two ducks? --‐ They wouldn't stop saying "Bach Bach" all the time

“What is green and if it were to fall from a tree would kill you?”
A Snooker table

“Doctor, I can’t pronounce my F?s, T?s and H?s.? ?Well you can’t say fairer than that then?

“A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'. 'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient. The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'. 'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?' The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.”

“What do baby apes sleep in?”
Apricots!

“Two hunters were walking through  the woods. Suddenly, a naked lady stepped out of the   brush and said, "I'm game!", so they shot her.”

“How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.”

“ Why was tiger looking in the toilet? To find pooh” 

“Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the rooster on the other side.”


“What fizzy drink does a frog drink? Coca cola”

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