What do you call
a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Ilene
A family of tortoises
went into a café for some ice cream. They sat down and were about to start when
father tortoise said , "I think its going to rain, Junior, will you pop home
and fetch my umbrella?"So off went Junior for father's Umbrella ,but three
days later he still hadn't returned. " I think , dear," said mother tortoise
to father tortoise, "that we had better eat Juniors ice cream before it melts."
And a voice from the door said," If you do that I won't go.
What do you call
her if she's Japanese?
Irene
what did batman
say to robin before they got in the car?
Robin, get in
the car
What's orange
and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
How do you catch
a rhino wearing a wool‐hat?
You kick it's
back. Then let the rhino chase you around a lake until the rhino is hot and takes
off the hat. Now you can catch it like a normal rhino.
A truck driver
saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck
over."No problem, Father! IÌll give
you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger
seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw
a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But he remembered
there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back
away, narrowly missing the lawyer. But even though he was sure he missed the lawyer
he still heard a loud "THUMP". He glanced in his mirrors and when he did
n Ì t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "Ì m sorry Father. I
almost hit that lawyer." "That Ìs okay, "replied the priest. "I
got him with the door!
Why is a tree
better than a guard dog?
It has more bark!
Extra strong
mint and Mars bar are having a drink in the
pub. Extra strong mint says to Mars Bar, `I'm the hardest mint in town me! No--‐one's
harder than me!'. With that, the bar doors swing open and in walks a Halls mint.
Mars bar turn around and extra strong mint is quivering under the table. Mars bar
says, `Hang on a minute, I thought you were the hardest mint in town?!'. Extra strong
mint says, `I might be hard, but he's menthols!
There was a teddy
bear who went to work on a building site. On his first day he went off for lunch
and left his tools behind. When he came back he noticed that his pick was missing.
When he told the foreman the foreman said "Didn't you know today's the day
the teddy bears get their picks nicked!
Three American
Indian women in the wild west are about to give birth. One is lying on a buffalo
skin; one is lying on a moose skin; and one is lying on a hippopotamus skin. The
first woman gives birth to a boy. The second gives birth to a girl. And the third
gives birth to a boy and a girl. And this proves. . . the squaw of the hide of the
hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws
of the other two hides!
why did the
Swedish factory worker get sacked?? Because he always took stock home! Stockholm!
A man goes to a diner. On the menu it says, "Breakfast
Served Anytime so, when the waitress comes he orders French Toast during the Renaissance!
What happens
to Composers when they die.
They decompose
How do you turn
a duck into a soul singer?
Stick it in the oven and wait till its Bill Withers.
Patient: Dr,
Dr. I can't get this song out of my head
and it's driving me mad. I can't stop humming "It's Good to Touch the Green
-2 Grass of Home" Doctor: "Hmm, sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome" Patient
" Never heard of it" Doctor "Well it's not unusual .
What's Brown,
sits in a tree and can't sing?
Des O' cocker
What do you call
a princess who worries all the time?
A warrior princess.
Man walking down
the street meets a friend who has a lobster tucked under his arm. "Are you
taking hat lobster home to dinner?"
he asks. "No," says friend, "he's had his dinner and now I'm taking
him to the pictures.
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