Wednesday, 8 April 2015

A businessman is hurrying home on the motorway after a hard days work when he is  stopped by a policeman. 'Do you know you were driving 30 mph over the limit?' asks the   policeman. 'Eh, actually no, officer, it's a big car and it just sort of coasts along. . .you know. . .' 'And what were you planning on doing if you met Mr. Fog?' demands the policeman.
 Well,' says  He  businessman,  thinking  it  best to play along, 'I suppose I'd ease off on Mr accelerator, and switch on Mr. headlights and Mr. wind screen wipers'. The policeman leans in the window and eyeballs the businessman. 'I asked you what  you were planning on going if you met MIST OR FOG!' And threw the book at him.  

What's green and sings?
Elvis Parsley


Why do elephants have big ears?
Node wouldn't pay the ransom

Why do people say you never judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes?
Because then when you do you'll be a mile away and have their shoes

How do you stop a bear from charging?
 You take away its credit card.


What do you get if you cross a mammal with a reptile?
A Nobel Prize

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross--‐eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picked the dog up and examined his eyes, then checked his teeth. Finally, he said, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Why? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, he's heavy.

A brain and a pair of jump leads walks into a bar. The brain orders two pints from the
 Airman but the barman refuses to serve him. When asked why, the barman replies "
Well you're clearly out of  our head, and your friend there looks as if he 'sob out to start something"  “Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?”  He didn't have the guts to do it!

The police arrested two men, one for drinking battery acid and the other for eating fire crackers. They charged one and let the other one off.

What has four wheels and flies?
Garbage truck.

Why did the man drown in a bowl of cake mix?
 He got pulled under by a particularly strong current!


A man went to a horse breeder and said, I want that horse. The breeder said that horse aren’t looking so good, but the man still wanted to buy it, so he did. The next day he came      back  with the horse and said, you sold me a blind horse, the breeder replied I told you that horse aren’t looking so good

Me: Ask me if I'm an orange! You: Are you an orange?
Me: No!

why do ducks have flat feet?
To stamp out forest fires!!

“Two hikers were walking through the woods when they noticed a bear charging towards them in the distance. The first hiker removed his  trail  boots and began to lace up his running shoes. The second hiker laughed and said, "Why bother changing out of your boots? You can't outrun a bear." The first hiker replied, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you."

Two elephants fall off a cliff.
Thud Thud.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticize them, you'll be a mile away and have their shoes. 

What's the difference between a trampoline and a bagpipe?
 Eventually you get tired of jumping on a trampoline.

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk

What happens if you don't pay your exorcists.

You get repossessed

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