A businessman
is hurrying home on the motorway after a hard days work when he is stopped by a policeman. 'Do you know you were
driving 30 mph over the limit?' asks the
policeman. 'Eh, actually no, officer, it's a big car and it just sort of
coasts along. . .you know. . .' 'And what were you planning on doing if you met
Mr. Fog?' demands the policeman.
Well,' says
He businessman, thinking
it best to play along, 'I suppose
I'd ease off on Mr accelerator, and switch on Mr. headlights and Mr. wind screen
wipers'. The policeman leans in the window and eyeballs the businessman. 'I asked
you what you were planning on going if you
met MIST OR FOG!' And threw the book at him.
What's green
and sings?
Elvis Parsley
Why do elephants
have big ears?
Node wouldn't
pay the ransom
Why do people
say you never judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes?
Because then
when you do you'll be a mile away and have their shoes
How do you stop
a bear from charging?
You take away its credit card.
What do you get
if you cross a mammal with a reptile?
A Nobel Prize
A man took his
Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross--‐eyed, is there anything you can do
for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picked the dog up and examined his eyes, then checked his teeth. Finally,
he said, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Why? Because
he's cross-eyed?" "No, he's heavy.
A brain and a
pair of jump leads walks into a bar. The brain orders two pints from the
Airman but the barman refuses to serve him. When
asked why, the barman replies "
Well you're clearly
out of our head, and your friend there looks
as if he 'sob out to start something"
“Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?” He didn't have the guts to do it!
The police arrested
two men, one for drinking battery acid and the other for eating fire crackers. They
charged one and let the other one off.
What has four
wheels and flies?
Garbage truck.
Why did the man
drown in a bowl of cake mix?
He got pulled under by a particularly strong
current!
A man went to
a horse breeder and said, I want that horse. The breeder said that horse aren’t
looking so good, but the man still wanted to buy it, so he did. The next day he
came back with the horse and said, you sold me a blind horse,
the breeder replied I told you that horse aren’t looking so good
Me: Ask me if
I'm an orange! You: Are you an orange?
Me: No!
why do ducks
have flat feet?
To stamp out
forest fires!!
“Two hikers were
walking through the woods when they noticed a bear charging towards them in the
distance. The first hiker removed his trail boots and began to lace up his running shoes.
The second hiker laughed and said, "Why bother changing out of your boots?
You can't outrun a bear." The first hiker replied, "I don't have to outrun
the bear, I only have to outrun you."
Two elephants
fall off a cliff.
Thud Thud.
Before you criticize
someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticize them, you'll be
a mile away and have their shoes.
What's the difference
between a trampoline and a bagpipe?
Eventually you get tired of jumping on a trampoline.
What do you call
a fly with no wings?
A walk
What happens
if you don't pay your exorcists.
You get repossessed
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