1. “A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary.
She called the obituary department and said, "This is what I want To
print: Bernie is dead." The man at the newspaper said, "But for $25
you are allowed to print six words." The woman answered, "OK. Then
print: Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale."
2. “A blonde girl's husband buys her a mobile phone. She takes it out and
he decides to test it out. He phones her and she answers it. "It's very
good," she says, "but how did you know I was at the
hairdressers?"
3. “A neutron walks into a bar, and says "Give me a beer." The
bartender says "Hey! Neutron! For you --‐ no charge!"
4. “What do you call a teacher with no arms, no legs, and no body?”
5. The Head...
6. “A man walks into a bar and orders a pint. Then he hears little voices
saying things like 'Oooh, you look really nice' and 'That haircut really suits
you'. He tells the barman about it who says 'Just ignore it, it's the peanuts,
they're complimentary'.
7. “Did you hear about the ice--‐cream man, he was found dead in his
ice--‐cream van,
8. Covered in chocolate sauce and hundreds--‐and--‐thousands?”
9. The police said that he had ?topped? himself
10. “Sadie's husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma for
several months, yet his faithful wife stays by his bedside day and night. One
night, Jake comes to and motions for her to come closer. He says, "My
Sadie, you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you
were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got
shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my
health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what, Sadie?"
"What dear?" she asked gently. "I think you're bad luck."
11. “An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were
standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and
washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find
her, so the captain sent the old man
back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found
something. Three weeks went by and
finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read:"Sir, sorry to
12. Inform you, we found your wife
dead at the bottom of the ocean. We
hauled her up to the eke and attached to her rear was an oyster and in it was a
pearl worth $50,000 ...please advise" The old man faxed back: "Send
me the pearl and re--‐bait the trap"
13. “Two spiders ere playing
football in a saucer. One says to the other: "I'm getting really bored
with this." The other says:
"Don't worry, we're playing in the cup next week."
14. “ why can't you milk a mouse? 'coos you can't get a bucket under it”
15.
"This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It
was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children. I'll never
forget that game of cards...." --‐ Anon”
16.
“An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's
house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night ,we went
out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What was the name of
the restaurant?" The first man
thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name ofthat
flower you giveto someone you love?? You
know... the one that is red and has thorns." "Do you mean a
rose?""Yes," the man said. He then turned towards the kitchen
and yelled, "Rose, what's the nameof that restaurant we went to last night?"
17. “Inventions today: it's reported that a new kind of pillowcase has
been invented, made out of corduroy. It's making headlines “
18. Q: Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree? A: Peer
pressure.
19. “Give a man a fish and he will eat for day. Teach him how to fish and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day!”
20. “What's red and sits in the corner? A naughty bus!”
21. “What's yellow and can't water-ski?
A bulldozer”
22. “A man commits suicide. In one of his pockets, the police find an
envelope. Inside the envelope is a note that reads: "What are you looking
in here for?"
23.
“What do you call a dry parrot? Polyunsaturated”
24. This guy is walking past a wooden fence. On the other side of the
fence is an asylum. The inmates
are all screaming at the tops of
their lungs, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen" The guy notices a small hole in the fence and
his curiosity naturally gets the beter of him. He takes a peek and a finger
suddenly pops out and jabs him in the eye. He yells in pain as the inmates
start shouting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen
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