1. 2 in 1 people are siamese.
2. Ish #19 "If your diet soda has zero calories, zero sugar and zero fat, what the hell are you drinking?
3. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
4. If you are going through hell, keep going.
5. If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?
6. When you're the only sane person, you look like the only insane person
7. Good thing our population’s not counted by the number of faces that’s in it or it would be almost doubled since so many around here seem to have “two” these day.
8. Did you ever wonder why hemorrhoids aren’t called asteroids?
9. Dog love is blind. For that matter, dog love is stupid.
10. Never lie in bed at night asking yourself questions you can't answer.
11. Dyslexics Of The World Untie.
12. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don’t expect it back.
13. He who laughs last ... just didn't get the joke
14. She shuddered. “What is it with slobbery kissers? Are they trying to drown us in spit? I mean, Jesus, swallow every now and then.
15. My granddad has the heart of a lion. And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
16. I miss you like a retard misses the point.
17. Don't steal. The government hates competition.
18.Me encanta que los franceses le echen chocolate a todo. Es como si tuvieran el mejor tic nervioso del mundo
19. I love bookmarks. They’re my favourites.
20. Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
21. The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate.
22. You're never late if you just don't show up
23. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
24. I imagine that the intelligent people are the ones so intelligent that they don't even need or want to look 'intelligent' anymore.
30. Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
31. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell ‘BINGO!
32. I went too a restaurant that served breakfast at anytime, so i ordered french toast during the renaissance.
33. If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
34. You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog
35. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
36. Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
37. Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter.
38. Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you insult him, you'll be a mile away, and have his shoes.
39. The grass isn't greener on the other side unless you look over the fence
40. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
41. Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
42. If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire
43. Who's General Failure & why is he reading my disk?
44. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
45. You know you have a small apartment when Coco Pops echo.
46. Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
47. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car
48. Every Hero Becomes a Bore at last." Ralph Waldo Emerson
49.Dancing: the vertical expression of a horizontal desire.
50. With great power, comes a great electric bill.’
2. Ish #19 "If your diet soda has zero calories, zero sugar and zero fat, what the hell are you drinking?
3. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
4. If you are going through hell, keep going.
5. If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?
6. When you're the only sane person, you look like the only insane person
7. Good thing our population’s not counted by the number of faces that’s in it or it would be almost doubled since so many around here seem to have “two” these day.
8. Did you ever wonder why hemorrhoids aren’t called asteroids?
9. Dog love is blind. For that matter, dog love is stupid.
10. Never lie in bed at night asking yourself questions you can't answer.
11. Dyslexics Of The World Untie.
12. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don’t expect it back.
13. He who laughs last ... just didn't get the joke
14. She shuddered. “What is it with slobbery kissers? Are they trying to drown us in spit? I mean, Jesus, swallow every now and then.
15. My granddad has the heart of a lion. And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
16. I miss you like a retard misses the point.
17. Don't steal. The government hates competition.
18.Me encanta que los franceses le echen chocolate a todo. Es como si tuvieran el mejor tic nervioso del mundo
19. I love bookmarks. They’re my favourites.
20. Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
21. The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate.
22. You're never late if you just don't show up
23. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
24. I imagine that the intelligent people are the ones so intelligent that they don't even need or want to look 'intelligent' anymore.
30. Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
31. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell ‘BINGO!
32. I went too a restaurant that served breakfast at anytime, so i ordered french toast during the renaissance.
33. If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
34. You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog
35. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
36. Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
37. Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter.
38. Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you insult him, you'll be a mile away, and have his shoes.
39. The grass isn't greener on the other side unless you look over the fence
40. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
41. Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
42. If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire
43. Who's General Failure & why is he reading my disk?
44. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
45. You know you have a small apartment when Coco Pops echo.
46. Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
47. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car
48. Every Hero Becomes a Bore at last." Ralph Waldo Emerson
49.Dancing: the vertical expression of a horizontal desire.
50. With great power, comes a great electric bill.’
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