A penguin walks
it o a bar and asks the barman "have you seen my brother?"
The barman replies
"I dun no, What does he look like?
Why did the
chicken cross the playground?
To get to
the other slide!!!
There were two
cows in a field. One said "moo", the other one said "I was going
to say that!"
There was a husband
and his wife sitting next to a run k in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and
yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly. The wife is extremely embarrassed,
and the husband looks at the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted before
my wife." The drunks replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn.
There's a sausage
and an egg in a frying pan. The sausage turns to the egg and says: "Gosh egg,
it's really hot in here, isn't it?" The egg turns to the sausage and says:
"Oh my god! A talking sausage!
What did the landlord say as he threw Shakespeare
out of his pub? "You're Bard!"
Why did the tomato
turn red?
She /He saw the
salad dressing!
A guy phones
the local hospital and yells "You've got to send help! My wife's in lab
our!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He replies,
"No! This is her husband!
What do you call
a deer with no eyes?
No I dear.
A three legged
dog walks into a Saloon in the Wild West, the barman asks him what he wants. The
dog replies "I'm looking of the man that shot my paw
A guy walks in
to his psychiatrists office and says" Doc you got to help me, One night I
Ream I'm a tepee and the next night I dream that
I am a wigwam." The doctor say's," relax, you're two tents.
What did the
policeman say to his belly?
You're under
a vest!
A man walks into
a chip and asks for fish and chips twice please. The man behind the counter says
"I heard you the first time
A man walks into
a bar and hears someone say, "Hey, you look NICE today!!!" He turns around
and asks the bartender, "Who said that?" The bartender answers, "The
peanuts... they're COMPLEMENTARY!
A man walks into
a bar and notices two pieces of beef nailed to the ceiling. He asks the barman why
they're there. "It’s a competition. If you can climb up there and get those
bits of meat down you'll get free drinks all night. But if you try and fail then
you'll have to buy around for everyone in the pub. Do you fancy having a go?"
The man has a long, hard look at the ceiling before saying, "No, I 'll just
have a pint thanks. The steaks are too high.
What aces
God laugh? People making plans.....
I was in the
waiting room of my doctor's office the other day when the doctor started yelling,
"Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" I went up to the nurse and asked her what
the hell was going on. She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots.
Two sheep were
standing on a hillside in Scotland, one looks up and says "baaa.."
The other says,
"Bloody hell, I was gonna say that!
When's the best
time to have a tooth pulled?
Tooth--‐Hurty
Dave: Me and
the missus went to the Caribbean this year for our summer holidays. John: Jamaica?
Dave: No, she went of her own accord!
0 comments:
Post a Comment